Friday, July 30, 2010


Why hello 220's, it sure is nice to meet you! Especially after baking cupcakes with homemade buttercream icing yesterday!

WOOT. So I just realized I have lost an (overall) amount of 51 freaking pounds since January. I'll take it! I can see the light!! Haha. My ultimate low goal is 140, but I will settle for 150 or 160? I don't know. I guess I'll just know when I get there. But I remember when I met my husband, I was in my 170's, so I can't wait to get back there and be one rockin' hot mama. ;)

Here's to hoping those cupcakes don't show up on tomorrow's scale..

Monday, July 19, 2010

Food addiction=one of the sins in my life.

I realize this post is going to come across as really extreme to some people, even Christians, but I feel like I'd be holding out on you if I didn't talk about it.

As I've said many times before, I am a Christian. This means I love Jesus. This means that every day, I try to die to myself. Every day, I try wake up and try to make this world less about me and more about him. I don't always succeed. In fact, most days I don't. But this life isn't about me... it's about gloryifying him. Which brings me to my next point..

During the days of dieting, did your skinny friends ever turn and look at you to say, "Your body is a temple. Treat it as such"? I have always wanted to punch those people in the face. What in the hell did they know about my struggle anyway? Yes, this IS going somewhere.

For lunch, I decided to have Double Stuf Oreos. They were in the house from something I had to make for my husband's work last week. I ate about 3 more than I should have. Then I shared some macaroni & cheese with my daughter for her lunch. While I was eating the mac & cheese, it dawned on me that I wasn't eating because I was hungry; I was eating because 1) I wanted to occupy myself 2) It fills up a hole--I can't quite explain this but those of you who struggle with food addiction will understand 3) and out of habit. As a Christian, this is wrong for me to do. Why? Paul, the apostle, wrote:

You must know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is within—the Spirit you have received from God. You are not your own. You have been purchased, and at a price. So glorify God in your body.
— 1 Corinthians 6:19–20

A lot of Christians and people tend to use this passage in support of why we should stray from sexual immorality, but I take it one step further. I think if Christ bought me at the price of his life, the least I can do is live my own life IN ALL WAYS to glorify him. Since loving Jesus involves picking up my cross, dying daily, and following him, this doesn't mean I should just do it in the areas of my life that are convenient. I truly believe that food has become an addiction for me in the past. Everyone knows that ANYTHING outside of moderation can become an addiction--alcohol, tobacco, pills, and food. But the church chooses not to touch on the sin of addiction to food because I think it hits too close to home. Too many of us are addicted. And too many of us are trying to fill the God-shaped hole with anything that numbs our pain, and for me, it is food. I'm not talking only about obese people here, but I am talking about all people who use food to numb their pain. It happens a lot, and the church doesn't recognize it because it might piss people off. But the truth is, when we turn to food, we are turning to a cheap substitute. We aren't turning to the real thing: Jesus.

I realize this sounds extreme. Yes, I am saying that addiction to food is a sin. But thankfully we are not alone. Christ overcame our sin for us so that we could believe and be saved through him. Now we just have to walk the talk.

If you're not a Christian, I didn't write this post to offend you. This is just a personal revelation I have come to that is helping me better understand this journey, why I embarked on it, and the deeper issues that surround my weight problem.... I don't think any of us are really "fat" just because we like food a lot. I think there is probably a deeper issue for most or all of us. And I realize that when I don't surrender and when I choose to numb my pain with food instead, I am not turning to the one who so fearfully and wonderfully made me.

EDITED TO ADD: I am saying that food addiction is a sin in my life. I am not saying it is a sin in your's. I would have no right to make that confession about anyone but myself. I just felt that if anyone would understand this addiction, it'd be my amazing blogger friends, so I wanted to share. I hope there are some bandsters (Christian or not) out there that can relate and learn something from my weaknesses.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


I have been having an interesting band issue issue I've never had before... TIGHTNESS. Wait, oh my God, is that.... restriction?

I had my third fill the Thursday before last (nearly two weeks ago). I can tell a mega difference in a lot of ways:

1. I used to be able to eat reheated meat. Now if I have leftovers with meat in it, I get stuck.
2. I used to be able to do thin crust pizza. Now even Domino's thin crust isn't thin enough, so I stay away from it.
3. Food used to be the first thing I thought about when I woke up. Now I'm lucky if it crosses my mind to eat in the morning!

I've been finding that breakfast isn't necessary for me, but I try to eat it anyway. If I don't feel too tight, I'll have some yogurt, granola, and strawberries or a string cheese with my coffee. If I don't eat breakfast, I feel like I binge eat at dinner and post-dinner rationalizing it away because I missed breakfast.

Since this fill, I have had several stuck episodes, though. That is the nature of the beast: re-learning your limitations with every fill. I suppose I could just be a good little girl and stay away from all real food, but no, I see limits and I have to push them. This afternoon for lunch I tried to eat last night's homemade cheese ravioli with meat sauce. I forgot about the meat and ate it anyway. I was over the toilet in ten minutes.

I always feel stuck at least once at lunch and once at dinner. Sometimes they are very mild and sometimes they feel like there's a knife in my chest and someone is squeezing my head. I don't know what this means. I don't feel like I need an unfill. I DO know I need to get better at eating more slowly. It's funny to admit this, but I have to practically scarf my food down if I want to eat it because if I don't, my 17-month old daughter wants to eat it all (even after I've fed her). She always wants what's on mommy's plate. Lol. I also find that stress seems to make my band tighter. Anyone else have this phenomenon? I dealt with a really stressful situation this morning (you can read about it on my Twitter if you'd like) and found it very difficult to even get down my soup at lunch. What the eff?

Anyhow, just checking in. I can't wait to see the 220's!!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Last Summer vs. This Summer

August 2009.
280 lbs.
Still in maternity pants from giving birth in February.

July 2010.
236 lbs.
Size 22 capris.

Yes, that is the same shirt in both photos-- one of my favorites. Hopefully there is a noticeable difference. In the top picture, my shirt fit so tightly. Now it is super loose!

I am hovering at 236 lbs right now. I had a fill on Thursday. I can definitely tell I am less hungry, but I'm afraid I'm not getting enough "good" calories in. And I'm certainly not exercising. Time for me to amp it up, baby!

Friday, July 2, 2010

Letting fear go and gaining much.

As the scale creeps down, I slowly start to feel myself letting down my defenses. What does that mean? It means I am finally starting to accept success. I decided to get this surgery last October. Since then, I have been in a constant state of fear--fear of failure. As I see the scale moving down and as I experience these little victories, I get more motivated and less fearful.

I've seen some of you say before that getting lap-band is about more than losing weight and that you have to deal with emotional and spiritual issues along the way. I kind of shrugged that off before, but now I think I see what you all mean. Losing weight is about so much more than health and good looks and all that jazz. For me, it is about learning to accept success and crush defeat. It's about refusing to take shit anymore. It's about refusing to take less than what is best for me!

So I just want to say: If you are on the fence about whether to get weight loss surgery or not only because you are scared of failing--MAKE THE JUMP. What have we got to lose anyway? Fear? Insecurity? Shopping in the plus size section for life? Diabetes? Heart Failure?

I realize I am sounding a little like a motivational speaker this morning, but maybe someone out there needs to hear it. ;)

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