Letting fear go and gaining much.

As the scale creeps down, I slowly start to feel myself letting down my defenses. What does that mean? It means I am finally starting to accept success. I decided to get this surgery last October. Since then, I have been in a constant state of fear--fear of failure. As I see the scale moving down and as I experience these little victories, I get more motivated and less fearful.

I've seen some of you say before that getting lap-band is about more than losing weight and that you have to deal with emotional and spiritual issues along the way. I kind of shrugged that off before, but now I think I see what you all mean. Losing weight is about so much more than health and good looks and all that jazz. For me, it is about learning to accept success and crush defeat. It's about refusing to take shit anymore. It's about refusing to take less than what is best for me!

So I just want to say: If you are on the fence about whether to get weight loss surgery or not only because you are scared of failing--MAKE THE JUMP. What have we got to lose anyway? Fear? Insecurity? Shopping in the plus size section for life? Diabetes? Heart Failure?

I realize I am sounding a little like a motivational speaker this morning, but maybe someone out there needs to hear it. ;)

Do you have a "no no" list?

I so deserve an asskicking. I am hacking up cold pizza right now! Lately, I have been a LOT tighter in the morning than ever before. However, I keep forgetting until I eat something. Yesterday I tried to eat the hard, crusty edges of a biscuit. I had to wait for it to pass. Today I tried to grab a small thin crust slice of cold pizza--heck no--I am now sitting in the bathroom floor. Damn. Protein shakes in the morning from now on. Feeling this way is NOT worth it.

In other good news, I finally reached the 230's. Later than I planned, but hey, I got there so that's good. Unfortunately, the night I weighed in at 239.2, I then went out to a rock 'n roll concert and overindulged in some alcohol and dinner. Blah. So I'm back up again. But I plan to be back down by my third appointment for a fill which is this Thursday. I'm pretty excited about getting a fill. Hopefully this will be the last one I need for a while.

Well I better go finish hacking up this pizza. Lesson learned. I need to start a "no-no" foods list. Currently the ones right now that I cannot do are:

Cold pizza
Soft bread
Soft tortillas
Deli meat
Soft crusted pizza
Leftover pasta

Ready for the 230's..where are they??

Woohoo! Down .4 lbs this morning. It's not much, but I'm taking it anywhere I can! I am determined to see a new decade (the 230's) by Monday. Not too much to ask, I hope.

Last night my husband weighed himself. He is 212. I will be soo excited when I weigh less than him! So that is my short term goal: 212. Once I get there, I am gonna do something crazy to celebrate like maybe get my next tattoo I've been dreaming of..

Well, my daughter is crying and my dog is whining so I better go. Just wanted to check in and say hello. :)

Checking in

Hey! I'm just checking in with everyone. It's been a busy couple of weeks for us. A lot of cool things are happening.

1) My husband got a new job. That is awesome because that means he won't be in retail anymore. YAY! His hours are going to change, though, from 8-5 to 10-7. That will be a little of an adjustment for us.

2) I've been writing a book. Kind of weird to admit, but yes, I have been working on a novel for which I've had an idea for months. I started working on character and plot development about a month and a half ago, and now I am putting it all down and actually starting the story. My dream is to sell it to a publisher, but I am damn committed to finishing something I started.

3) I've been blogging about prayer. I'm not sure how to explain it other than to say you'll have to check it out for yourself. I finally admitted to my pastor husband that I don't believe in the power of prayer, and that blog is my journey into believing again. Make any sense? No, I didn't think so. You'll just have to read it for yourself here, haha: ayearofpracticingprayer.blogspot.com.

4) I've started school again. Yes, this session I am taking human biology and state & government. Woohoo! Only 2 1/2-3 more years until I get my BA. It seems like forever away right now, but I know it will pay off later.

With all that's been going on, I don't have much free time lately. And top all of that off, God has really been convicting me about the way I spend my time. I feel as if he saying, "You were bought at a price. Your life is not your own." This is refreshing because for the past year, I have been wandering through my life desperately trying to feel like serving others again. Now it's back with a vengeance! I am ready to do something crazy for Jesus just like I was when we moved to Illinois.

In the weight loss area, I have been feeling pretty discouraged. I have only lost 7 lbs in the last 8-9 weeks. That is utterly depressing to me. I know, I know, at least I'm losing. I just feel like it's going way too slowly. I have a couple of concerns. Firstly, I feel like I can eat way too much. My problem is I can be totally satisfied at one bowl of cereal, but before I realize I am satisfied, I go back for a second bowl. Yuck. I hate that. Secondly, I don't know if I have enough of a fill or if the doctor I'm using is giving them often enough. My second fill was on May 6 and he didn't want to see me again until July 3. Is that normal? If not, I wonder if he is just worried because I was banded in MX? Lastly, I just don't feel like I stay full long enough. I eat breakfast, then less than two hours later, I am hungry again. I usually try to drink a large glass of something when I get this feeling. If it doesn't go away (and it usually never does), I eat a snack. I just feel like I stay hungrier than I used to before I was banded. Does anyone else feel like this? Or is it all in my head? lol.

On a need-to-know basis

I've been contemplating lately. I feel there are things you can't understand about me and my weight loss journey until you know more about me. I know I've told my journey with weight in a previous post, but I'd like to share more with you. I truly find inspiration in all of you and your blogs and feel as if you are on a need-to-know basis. Haha. So here is a list of things about me I feel you should know to get me:

1) I love Jesus, but I'm not that good at it. I am a Christian. I will not shove it down your throat, but Jesus is my lifeblood. I see myself as a dirty and wretched sinner only cleansed by him. I believe this world is utterly and completely saved by the hands that made it. My husband is a former pastor and currently taking a break to finish school until we go back into ministry. So yes, I'm a pastor's wife.

2) I am from everywhere. I grew up my whole life just outside Louisville, Kentucky. Moved to Birmingham, Alabama when I was eighteen. Left when I was nineteen to marry and move to Crystal Lake (just outside Chicago), Illinois. Left after a year to move back to Talladega, Alabama. I love every place I've lived and carry a part of them with me. I miss the people I've left behind, and I can't wait to see where we go in the future.

3) I am poor and probably always will be. I don't say this for sympathy. I say this because it sometimes explains my poor food choices. I am not always able to get the health food. I usually end up with more processed food in my grocery cart than I am happy about. But it's cheaper, and I feel like to get me you need to know that I am not making excuses for myself--it's just my situation. It is also a well-known fact that pastors do not get paid well so I don't expect to ever be rich. :) Right now, my husband is in a secular retail-based job. I stay at home with our 15-month old, and we basically live off of student loans as we are both full-time college students as well. We have never believed that we had to give up marriage to finish school or give up school to stay married. We believe that we can do both and succeed in both. Which brings me to the next point..

4) I am determined. Because I haven't lived my life in the order that the world laid out for me, it hasn't always been easy, but I think because of this I have become more determined. I am more determined to finish college now than I was when I was eighteen. I am more determined to be a good wife and mom than ever before. I am more determined to succeed with the lap band because I had to pay out of pocket. If I ever think of giving everything up, I just look at the price tag of my surgery! Lol.

So there's just a few things about me. I hope it can put some of my struggles a little more in context for you. I don't want sympathy, just understanding. :)

In other news, I've been hovering at 244.8 for a week now. And (TMI ALERT) I haven't had a good poop in a week. I am sooo constipated, so I am having my husband pick up a laxative on the way home for me. Coffee isn't even helping, and it used to be a sure-fire fix. Maybe it will help me break 244.8, too!

Well, that's it for now. Love reading your all's blogs. You all fascinate, inspire, and encourage me.

In hiding

So I've been in hiding recently. The reason is completely stupid. I am not losing weight as fast as I want to, and I just felt like blogging about it would be depressing, bring other people down, and whiny. Therefore I just refrained from blogging.

Now I see how *stupid* that is for a couple of different reasons. First, it's stupid because I can learn a lot from all of you. Secondly, it's stupid because I need your all's support. Lastly, it's stupid because I need to stay accountable, and I've found blogging and sharing my world with everyone else helps immensely. So if you don't hear from me for a few weeks, slap me! I probably need it.

I had my second fill on May 6th. After my first fill, I didn't feel much of a difference. I still felt like I was in bandster hell. After this second fill, I can tell a difference for sure. I have gotten stuck before, but it has always passed quickly. Usually it was because I didn't chew well enough or I did something stupid like try to eat a flour tortilla. However, a few days ago I got stuck on some deli turkey. I ended up in pain and over the toilet for 30-45 minutes. Lesson learned!! I have been much more careful since then and will continue to be. The good thing about this fill is that I feel like I can eat less and get full faster than at first. I do have one concern though. My doctor wants to see me in eight weeks for my next fill. I thought generally the waiting period was 2-4 weeks? I wonder if this is because I got my band in Mexico. Hm..

I am currently hovering between 244-245. This is the weight I was as a junior/senior in high school when I started losing weight and eventually got down to 175-180. This time, I hope to see 140 (or something close to it). That being said, I still have 100 pounds to go.

And now I need to confess: I don't feel like I'm losing weight fast enough. I was banded on Feb 3rd at 271 lbs. It has been 9-ish weeks and I am 245. I know that's 26 lbs, but I guess I imagined that the weight would literally be melting off. Lol. I know the band is only a tool. I guess I am comparing myself to my cousin (in law). She was banded at 320 lbs and is down 220 lbs a year later. Maybe there is a difference in how fast you lose based on the weight you are when you get banded. I don't know. But I feel like all of my in-laws are comparing me to her, and if I don't keep up with her or lose weight as quickly as she does then they will deem me a failure. And I cannot stand the thought of failing.

It has been a season of self doubt lately. I've gotta get past that. I am back in blogger world for good. I need to read your all's blogs. I know that will inspire me. I've also started exercising. Nothing big yet. Just lifting some hand weights while watching TV or doing my "Walk Away The Pounds" video. Just trying to get back into the exercise routine slowly. I don't want to jump in too quickly and then get discouraged. For example, someone on Twitter recommended the PX90 exercise program, but I don't think I could keep up with that right now. I don't want to over-extend myself and then quit. Know what I mean?

Damn, I've got a long way to go. I look at this journey and see how far I've already come and then see how far I've got ahead of me. I get mad at myself for letting myself get this heavy. After all, I was 175 lbs a mere four years ago. How in the hell I gained 100 lbs in four years is beyond me! But I will not allow myself to dwell on that. Once I get where I'm going, I am determined to stay there. As rewarding as this experience will be, I never want to have to go through it again.

Eight weeks out..

First of all, I just want to say sorry for not updating in weeks! My extended family has been going through some extremely personal and difficult issues, and my husband, daughter, and I have been entrenched right in the middle of it. But I am extremely thankful because we are now in our own place! YAY! We haven't lived on our own for a year and a half, so this is great! I am loving it. I am sorry I haven't updated you all. I have truly missed reading your blogs and all of your support. But I am back, and I am excited to start reading everyone's blogs again!

Good news: even with all of this family drama, I have managed to lose 22 lbs since my surgery. That is 22 lbs in eight weeks. SCORE! That is 32 lbs total since pre-op. I had my first fill last Thursday. It was interesting. Of course, my doc wanted to know why I had gone to Mexico. He asked me in a very condescending way, but I have thick skin, so I just told him upfront: I had no insurance. He asked me how much I paid. I thought that was kind of personal but told him anyway. It seems I saved approximately $4500 total going to Mexico than using him for my surgery. Even though this isn't an issue of who was cheaper, money was a factor. And I felt very confident with my choice of a surgeon. She was fantastic, and so was the whole team.

The fill itself was not what I expected. He had me lay down, felt for my port, numbed me (thank GOD), and just stuck it in. I couldn't look! Then he had me sit up and drink half a cup of water to see if any of it came up. It didn't. Then I laid back down and he asked if the water came up a little. It did, so he took some out. He said he put 1cc into my 10cc band. He also said he hates 10cc bands because there is less room for error when it comes to how much fluid can be in it. He said they also tend to be tighter, so that's why doctors are trying to get away from them. He also said he can't guarantee me any results since he didn't place my band. That's understandable. And he said he'd like to see me in a month or two, but if I am losing weight at a good rate, then I don't have to come back until I feel like I need to. So I made an appointment for May, but I don't know that I'll be using it. He also said I should do a clear liquid diet for three days post fill.. haha, let's just say I failed miserably at it.

When it comes to restriction, I am unsure if I have it at this point. Before the fill, I didn't feel hungry for breakfast. Post fill, I have felt hungry for breakfast. Kinda weird, eh? Mainly I've been eating mini-meals throughout the day. This morning I had a piece of whole grain toast, a slice of melted cheddar, and a couple slices of turkey on it. It's held me over for two hours, and now I'm thinking about lunch.

My jeans are starting to get too loose. I love it! Only thing is I am too broke to buy new ones. But I absolutely REFUSE to complain!

I love and miss you guys and promise to post and comment much more often now that things with the extended family are settling down.