Monday, May 24, 2010

On a need-to-know basis

I've been contemplating lately. I feel there are things you can't understand about me and my weight loss journey until you know more about me. I know I've told my journey with weight in a previous post, but I'd like to share more with you. I truly find inspiration in all of you and your blogs and feel as if you are on a need-to-know basis. Haha. So here is a list of things about me I feel you should know to get me:

1) I love Jesus, but I'm not that good at it. I am a Christian. I will not shove it down your throat, but Jesus is my lifeblood. I see myself as a dirty and wretched sinner only cleansed by him. I believe this world is utterly and completely saved by the hands that made it. My husband is a former pastor and currently taking a break to finish school until we go back into ministry. So yes, I'm a pastor's wife.

2) I am from everywhere. I grew up my whole life just outside Louisville, Kentucky. Moved to Birmingham, Alabama when I was eighteen. Left when I was nineteen to marry and move to Crystal Lake (just outside Chicago), Illinois. Left after a year to move back to Talladega, Alabama. I love every place I've lived and carry a part of them with me. I miss the people I've left behind, and I can't wait to see where we go in the future.

3) I am poor and probably always will be.
I don't say this for sympathy. I say this because it sometimes explains my poor food choices. I am not always able to get the health food. I usually end up with more processed food in my grocery cart than I am happy about. But it's cheaper, and I feel like to get me you need to know that I am not making excuses for myself--it's just my situation. It is also a well-known fact that pastors do not get paid well so I don't expect to ever be rich. :) Right now, my husband is in a secular retail-based job. I stay at home with our 15-month old, and we basically live off of student loans as we are both full-time college students as well. We have never believed that we had to give up marriage to finish school or give up school to stay married. We believe that we can do both and succeed in both. Which brings me to the next point..

4) I am determined. Because I haven't lived my life in the order that the world laid out for me, it hasn't always been easy, but I think because of this I have become more determined. I am more determined to finish college now than I was when I was eighteen. I am more determined to be a good wife and mom than ever before. I am more determined to succeed with the lap band because I had to pay out of pocket. If I ever think of giving everything up, I just look at the price tag of my surgery! Lol.

So there's just a few things about me. I hope it can put some of my struggles a little more in context for you. I don't want sympathy, just understanding. :)

In other news, I've been hovering at 244.8 for a week now. And (TMI ALERT) I haven't had a good poop in a week. I am sooo constipated, so I am having my husband pick up a laxative on the way home for me. Coffee isn't even helping, and it used to be a sure-fire fix. Maybe it will help me break 244.8, too!

Well, that's it for now. Love reading your all's blogs. You all fascinate, inspire, and encourage me.

Monday, May 17, 2010

In hiding

So I've been in hiding recently. The reason is completely stupid. I am not losing weight as fast as I want to, and I just felt like blogging about it would be depressing, bring other people down, and whiny. Therefore I just refrained from blogging.

Now I see how *stupid* that is for a couple of different reasons. First, it's stupid because I can learn a lot from all of you. Secondly, it's stupid because I need your all's support. Lastly, it's stupid because I need to stay accountable, and I've found blogging and sharing my world with everyone else helps immensely. So if you don't hear from me for a few weeks, slap me! I probably need it.

I had my second fill on May 6th. After my first fill, I didn't feel much of a difference. I still felt like I was in bandster hell. After this second fill, I can tell a difference for sure. I have gotten stuck before, but it has always passed quickly. Usually it was because I didn't chew well enough or I did something stupid like try to eat a flour tortilla. However, a few days ago I got stuck on some deli turkey. I ended up in pain and over the toilet for 30-45 minutes. Lesson learned!! I have been much more careful since then and will continue to be. The good thing about this fill is that I feel like I can eat less and get full faster than at first. I do have one concern though. My doctor wants to see me in eight weeks for my next fill. I thought generally the waiting period was 2-4 weeks? I wonder if this is because I got my band in Mexico. Hm..

I am currently hovering between 244-245. This is the weight I was as a junior/senior in high school when I started losing weight and eventually got down to 175-180. This time, I hope to see 140 (or something close to it). That being said, I still have 100 pounds to go.

And now I need to confess: I don't feel like I'm losing weight fast enough. I was banded on Feb 3rd at 271 lbs. It has been 9-ish weeks and I am 245. I know that's 26 lbs, but I guess I imagined that the weight would literally be melting off. Lol. I know the band is only a tool. I guess I am comparing myself to my cousin (in law). She was banded at 320 lbs and is down 220 lbs a year later. Maybe there is a difference in how fast you lose based on the weight you are when you get banded. I don't know. But I feel like all of my in-laws are comparing me to her, and if I don't keep up with her or lose weight as quickly as she does then they will deem me a failure. And I cannot stand the thought of failing.

It has been a season of self doubt lately. I've gotta get past that. I am back in blogger world for good. I need to read your all's blogs. I know that will inspire me. I've also started exercising. Nothing big yet. Just lifting some hand weights while watching TV or doing my "Walk Away The Pounds" video. Just trying to get back into the exercise routine slowly. I don't want to jump in too quickly and then get discouraged. For example, someone on Twitter recommended the PX90 exercise program, but I don't think I could keep up with that right now. I don't want to over-extend myself and then quit. Know what I mean?

Damn, I've got a long way to go. I look at this journey and see how far I've already come and then see how far I've got ahead of me. I get mad at myself for letting myself get this heavy. After all, I was 175 lbs a mere four years ago. How in the hell I gained 100 lbs in four years is beyond me! But I will not allow myself to dwell on that. Once I get where I'm going, I am determined to stay there. As rewarding as this experience will be, I never want to have to go through it again.

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