Monday, May 17, 2010

In hiding

So I've been in hiding recently. The reason is completely stupid. I am not losing weight as fast as I want to, and I just felt like blogging about it would be depressing, bring other people down, and whiny. Therefore I just refrained from blogging.

Now I see how *stupid* that is for a couple of different reasons. First, it's stupid because I can learn a lot from all of you. Secondly, it's stupid because I need your all's support. Lastly, it's stupid because I need to stay accountable, and I've found blogging and sharing my world with everyone else helps immensely. So if you don't hear from me for a few weeks, slap me! I probably need it.

I had my second fill on May 6th. After my first fill, I didn't feel much of a difference. I still felt like I was in bandster hell. After this second fill, I can tell a difference for sure. I have gotten stuck before, but it has always passed quickly. Usually it was because I didn't chew well enough or I did something stupid like try to eat a flour tortilla. However, a few days ago I got stuck on some deli turkey. I ended up in pain and over the toilet for 30-45 minutes. Lesson learned!! I have been much more careful since then and will continue to be. The good thing about this fill is that I feel like I can eat less and get full faster than at first. I do have one concern though. My doctor wants to see me in eight weeks for my next fill. I thought generally the waiting period was 2-4 weeks? I wonder if this is because I got my band in Mexico. Hm..

I am currently hovering between 244-245. This is the weight I was as a junior/senior in high school when I started losing weight and eventually got down to 175-180. This time, I hope to see 140 (or something close to it). That being said, I still have 100 pounds to go.

And now I need to confess: I don't feel like I'm losing weight fast enough. I was banded on Feb 3rd at 271 lbs. It has been 9-ish weeks and I am 245. I know that's 26 lbs, but I guess I imagined that the weight would literally be melting off. Lol. I know the band is only a tool. I guess I am comparing myself to my cousin (in law). She was banded at 320 lbs and is down 220 lbs a year later. Maybe there is a difference in how fast you lose based on the weight you are when you get banded. I don't know. But I feel like all of my in-laws are comparing me to her, and if I don't keep up with her or lose weight as quickly as she does then they will deem me a failure. And I cannot stand the thought of failing.

It has been a season of self doubt lately. I've gotta get past that. I am back in blogger world for good. I need to read your all's blogs. I know that will inspire me. I've also started exercising. Nothing big yet. Just lifting some hand weights while watching TV or doing my "Walk Away The Pounds" video. Just trying to get back into the exercise routine slowly. I don't want to jump in too quickly and then get discouraged. For example, someone on Twitter recommended the PX90 exercise program, but I don't think I could keep up with that right now. I don't want to over-extend myself and then quit. Know what I mean?

Damn, I've got a long way to go. I look at this journey and see how far I've already come and then see how far I've got ahead of me. I get mad at myself for letting myself get this heavy. After all, I was 175 lbs a mere four years ago. How in the hell I gained 100 lbs in four years is beyond me! But I will not allow myself to dwell on that. Once I get where I'm going, I am determined to stay there. As rewarding as this experience will be, I never want to have to go through it again.


  1. Welcome back! You're not alone in feeling that you are losing too slowly or not doing as well as others. A lot of us feel that way, but you're right to decide to keep blogging; it does keep us accountable and helps in the perspective department when we get too far into our heads. Keep up your good work, you really are doing well. Really!

  2. There definitely is a difference between losing weight from 320 and losing from 270. That's 50 pounds or approximately 500 calories a day difference in basal metabolic rate (if you both ate the same food, she'd have a 500 calorie a day advantage on you).

    26 pounds in 9 weeks is almost 3 pounds a week. That is great! For you cousin to lose 100 pounds in a year is only 1.9 pounds a week. You are ahead of her at this point in time.

    You are doing great!

  3. 26 pounds is nothing to sneeze at!!! Keep up the great work & stick around - this community helps so much!!!!

  4. Ashley

    this could be me, I was also banded in Feb......I have not lost for 3 weeks now and I also feel a little down and that it should be moving quicker....26lbs is still a good loss and now its gone it should not come back....Your doing great....

  5. There is no "right" speed to losing the weight, everyone is different. I was banded in February and have only lost 23 pounds, and haven't lost anything since my post-op diet. I am on my third fill and finally feel some restriction so I am hoping that changes now. Don't get down on yourself, this is all normal.

  6. Glad you're back. I have to remind myself as well that we all lose at different rates. You're doing well and 30+ pounds down is great. The key here is that the number is going down rather than up.

  7. Welcome Back!
    I love Robin's comment... take heart in that, so true! You are doing great at 3 lbs a week!

    Stick around and use the great support on here. I'm not sure where I'd be without the blogs!

  8. Thank you ALL for your support and encouraging comments. It is good to know I am not alone and that I am not a failure. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to encourage me :) My husband is great but my family is always asking me, "how much have you lost??" haha.



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