Definitely time for a fill.

I got a letter from my fill doctor's office (I won't call him my surgeon since I had my surgery in MX) that said my appointment for the end of September had been cancelled because he's going to be out of the office. Kind of a good thing, though, because I need to try and move it up if I can.

I don't feel like I have any restriction until dinnertime. Is that weird or what? I am starving ALL DAY. But when it comes to dinner, I can eat a small portion and be full. But the rest of the day, I am constantly thinking about food. Like at 9:30ish this morning I had a Greek yogurt and a Fiber One bar... and I'm still hungry. Last week I had one cup of grapes for a snack in between meals. I was still hungry so I got another cup of grapes. And I was still hungry after that. Granted, grapes are mostly water, but still. And I am counting calories like it's nobody's business.

If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times.... but seriously, I don't dig the calorie counting. Yes, it's good educationally to teach me what I'm putting into my body, but no, it's not something I want to do forever. The band is supposed to restrict my food intake so I don't always have to be counting--only making sure I get the right things in. Right? Isn't that the point of the band? So first thing Monday morning, I am making an appointment. I have a fear of being too tight and it leading to a slip. Everyone's heard horror stories. I'm especially fearful since I got my banding done out of the country and without insurance. We have insurance now (thank the Lord), but I don't want to think about the mess I'd be in physically and financially if something happened. I don't want to be too aggressive with fills, and I think my surgeon is naturally a little apprehensive about overdoing it since he didn't perform my surgery. But I'm sure I need one. I am praying for the best.

In other news, I freaking lost ten pounds this month. I'll take it! On my way to November's goal!

NSVs for the win!!

Two things.

1) Today I weighed in on the scale at 220.4. Why is this so significant for me? Because 220 is the weight I first started Weight Watchers at in my sophomore year of high school. I remember that my dad took me to the doctor because I was sick, and I weighed in at 215. My dad looked at me pointedly and said, "We need to do something about that." A few months later, my stepmom supportively joined Weight Watchers with me, and by then, I was weighing 220. I got down to 190 that time on WW within a couple of months. So when I break up my journey from starting at 280, 220 is a significant milestone. Now here's to 60 more lbs! I will surpass 190 this time and leave its ass in the wind.

2) I am finally able to get my wedding ring on comfortably! In the middle of my pregnancy (somewhere around the end of '08), I had to take off my rings due to swelling. Ever since I had my daughter, it has been such a tight fit that my finger would ache, so I took them off for a bit. After two years, I am finally able to wear my wedding ring again! I can also fit my engagement ring on, but it's a little tight. Perhaps in ten more pounds? Excited!!

Today I LOVE my lap band. Thank God for medical technology and gifted surgeons!

Recovery from the Weekend

It always seems like the weekends are one big giant test to see how well we can really stick with our new lifestyles. If you're like me, you try to convince yourself that Saturday and Sunday don't count in the grander scheme of infinity, but you know better.

Saturday was nuts. I had a movie night with the sister-in-law and brother-in-law's girlfriend. I ate a whole bag of peanut M&Ms, a hard taco from Taco Bell, and a pintos & cheese. Not all at once, mind you.. it was spaced out. But still. So imagine my surprise when I hop on the scale to see it down. Ha. Yesterday wasn't so bad. I did go to a breakfast buffet (the first buffet I think I've been to since being banded) and stuck with mostly eggs and bacon, lots of protein. I had a Fiber One bar around 3pm and some grapes and cheese for a late dinner. I was still down this morning, so I guess that's a good thing. I am now back on the wagon. ;)

It seems like a lot of us had rough weekends. My husband's days off will now be broken up throughout the week, so it's gonna be challenging not to just pig out when he's off. He always eats and doesn't gain weight. If he does, he loses it without even trying! The great thing is he is super supportive of me and my band. If I screw up, he doesn't hound me but instead says, "oh well". If I'm debating having one more cookie than I need, he'll say "Honey, you might regret that later". He never does it to the point of being annoying. I do indulge myself (just remembered last night I had a cookie). But if I start to do it to a point where I lose control, he's always there for me to point it out. I love him for it. He is my whole support system. I couldn't do this without him.

I need to exercise. I have lost all my weight thus far without exercising, but I know it's time to get my tail in gear.

Definition of Success

There's a lot of talk in Bloggerland lately about whether or not the band is the right choice or if it's the easy way or weak person's way out. Some have even gone so far as to say that a very small percentage of us will succeed. My question is then: what is your definition of success?

My definition of success is: changing my relationship with food to a healthy one, attaining a healthy weight, and being happy with myself when I look in the mirror. My definition of success is NOT: calorie counting the rest of my life and sticking to a strict meal plan. So when all is said and done: if I can maintain 160 lbs and be happy with myself OR I can follow a calorie plan and be hungry all the time and be 150 lbs, guess which one I'm gonna choose? 160 lbs. Why? Because it's more than a number. It's about being healthy AND satisfied. I'd rather be a little more plump and happy than a little smaller and a total drag.

So if only 2% of us are destined to lose all of our excess weight, who the hell cares? Even if the band stopped working now (and keep in mind I still have another 60-70 lbs to lose), I'd say all the time and expense and effort was worth it. It is worth it because it was the catalyst as Amy says. It is the thing that helped me re-evaluate what I was putting into my body and how I was treating my body. And if it took $7,000 out of pocket to have this realization, it was worth every damn penny.

Ideally I want to lose 100% of my excess weight, but I won't count myself a failure if I don't. I already see myself (and a lot of other fellow bandsters) as successes because we are learning to change our habits and ways of thinking long term. To me, THAT is what matters. If this doesn't produce the ideal results, we'll still be successes. Whichever path we take to get to a healthy weight doesn't really matter, as long as we're not struggling with eating disorders. For some of us, it took the band to push us to the point of change. For others, it was just a matter of willpower. Good for them!

So that's my definition of success. And anyone who calls me a failure can just beat it. ;)

Am I working the band?

I have no idea if I am working the band like it's supposed to work. Lately I've been counting calories. I promised myself I would never do this!! But I told myself, "hey, it will get you into the habit of at least knowing what is healthy and what isn't and you can re-teach yourself to eat again." But I find the idea of a food journal completely BLECH. And counting calories to reach 1200?? WTF? I don't wanna be on Weight Watchers my whole life! So this leaves me here: do I need a fill? I've never wondered if I needed a fill or not before because at the slow pace my surgeon is filling me, I always do. But after my last fill, I actually started to PB regularly on things I knew were bad for my band (steak, reheated meat, skin on vegetables). Even though I feel more restricted, I still feel like I can 1) eat too much before I get full and 2) get too hungry in between meals. My surgeon always asks how many bites I can eat before I get full. I never counted, but I'm thinking it's roughly 15-20. I don't know how many is normal. But I feel like I'm relying too much on my own calorie counting to lose this weight. Is that possible? I mean, I know I need to be accountable for what I eat, but it just feels like another Weight Watchers diet right now. Any advice? I don't have an appointment with him until the end of September, and I'm not sure he wants to see me back any sooner. Lol.

On the weight front, I am hovering between 226-227. I do pretty well eating until evening time. My husband doesn't get home from work until 8pm, so if I wait to eat dinner with him, I always see a gain on the scale the next morning. I think I'm gonna have to start eating earlier and just reheat his dinner for him when he gets home. That is hard, though, because dinner is such a "social" time for us. We love sharing mealtime together.

Maybe I will keep a food diary just to stay accountable and see if anyone else thinks I need a fill from eating too much or too often.

Also, if you are following my blog and I'm not following yours, please leave me a link! It's hard to find everyone's blogs, and I want to follow everyone's journey, so if I haven't added yours, it's not personal! Just leave a link in the comments, and I will! :)

Why did we choose the band?

I was having major doubts about my choice of getting the lap band. I have had no complications (thank God), and I feel good about my rate of loss. If I continue at this rate, I will be a very happy woman. However, I googled "lap band vs. sleeve" to see what people were saying, and it seems like every post or result just wrote off the band and promoted getting the sleeve. What's up with that?

Sleeve-sters said things like "well, this is permanent and I needed to know that in my head." Well, as far as I'm concerned, I am living my life like my lap band is permanent, too. I don't see what that has to do with anything. I just kind of wanted to go for a simpler option before I cut out part of my stomach, ya know? And then they say when they gain weight, they have no options but to lose it the old-fashioned way. My response to that is, "what the hell--the old fashioned way didn't work for us before, how will it work for us then?" I'm not criticizing anyone's decision to have bypass or the sleeve, but for me personally, it wasn't the right choice. I am young and have a lot of years ahead of me. I wanted to know that in the small chance that I had complications or that I didn't lose the weight I needed to that there were indeed other options down the road. I also wanted to know I wasn't taking drastic measures, and for me, the sleeve or bypass would have been drastic. I wanted lower rates of complication. I didn't want to worry about malnutrition. I plan to get pregnant a few more times and don't want to worry about my baby getting enough nutrition. Lastly, I am okay with the slower rate of loss with the band versus the faster rate of loss with bypass or the sleeve. It's a known fact that the slower you lose it, the longer you keep it off anyway. At least that's one of those things everyone tells you. And honestly, I didn't want to lose it all in six months. I fear that if I did, the people around me would freak out a little and suspect a lot. And I'm not okay with telling everyone I had surgery. I also don't understand the "I don't want a foreign object in my body" argument. What about people with pacemakers? How is it any different? Or the nuva-ring birth control that you keep in your va-jay-jay? Or the braces on your teeth when you were a teenager? A foreign object isn't always bad. Sometimes it even saves lives.

So the fills, while not ideal, are okay. The ocassional sliming/PB is fine. Whatever. As long as my band doesn't slip/erode or stop functioning then this band thing is for me. I hope I never have to take more drastic measures in the future, but I leave this option open. For now, the band is working and I am working it! It is my friend. I like having the option of eating a piece of cake for my birthday party without worrying about hurling. I like having options. To me, the lap band is more about behavioral modification than restriction. I don't want to have a list of things I can and cannot eat; I just want to change the amount.

So what about you? Why did you choose the WLS that you did?

The Fat Bubble

Do you ever find that you're living your life in a fat bubble? What I mean by that is: do you ever find yourself declining invitations or putting off certain life changes and justifying them to yourself by saying, "Oh, I'll get to it when I'm skinny"? Because I do. And I can't be the only one.

For example, my husband has some friends from high school he really wants me to meet. We've been able to put it off since we live two hours away.. that and we're both really anitsocial. BUT I'd really love to meet them. However, I haven't pushed him on it because I think, "Oh, I don't want them to see me like this and think of me as fat because I won't be like this much longer." Is that silly?

Does anyone else feel like this? Are we justified in thinking this way?

THAT Time of the month

What is it about my time of the month and binge eating that go hand in hand? Well, I haven't been too bad lately except...I recently discovered Nutella. Now how in the hell I have lived 23 years without ever trying this stuff is beyond me, but it is AMAZING. I only have half the 13oz jar left. Holy crap, right? Right.

My weight has been fluctuating due to water weight I suppose.. I was at 229 this morning, but we'll see about tomorrow. I definitely expect to see the effects of all the Nutella on the scale soon. Lol. I think this is true for most, but every time I hit a new low, I bounce around for a week or so and struggle to hit it again.

My family is going to Illinois for a wedding in November. I'd like to be at 200 by then. Do you think that's feasible? That's 8-9 lbs a month for three months. We'll see! If I am at 200 by then, I'll look better than when they last saw me! Lol. I probably left there at about the weight I am now, 230-ish.

Well, lots of things going on in my personal life. Feel free to follow me on Twitter if you want to get to know me better and see what I'm up to. :)